Finding a sense of belonging: Interview with Jess

Nick speaks to Jess, a polarity and craniosacral therapist and DC Psyche student.  She lives in a 6-person house share in Guildford with all age groups.

Q1. How did you get into house sharing?

Quite by accident. An expat born and bred, I decided on a sabbatical in Cyprus to study and review my career.  I returned to UK for an event and ended up temping and as COVID then hit, stayed in UK longer than I had planned.

I stayed in a lovely annex connected to a house until they sold and after a few trials and subsequent errors looking for single occupancy (which is what I have always been used to), went back to Cyprus, sold off all my furniture and old life, to try to be a bit more Zen and also due to budget, live in a house-share.

Q2. So you found a house share and started a new life?

Yes,  the trial and errors experience of sharing taught me resilience and boundaries. 

I found a place in Guildford and in haste decided it would work for the interim; that was 17 months ago.  Luckily there was a guy around the same age as me and we bonded, what with his heritage in Africa and mine too. Having him around helped me to acclimatise and ground a bit in my new reality.  Sadly, he left and my group has since changed a few times, now with more on the way.

There are actually six of us including the landlord and excluding various partners at different times. Its good because it has enough space to be private, but also enough people to have a chit-chat now and then.

The house is a bit run down but works. My new Zen sustainable character picked up a friend’s large old fridge/freezer and micro-wave to upgrade living a bit! I planted mint and likened my space to a hotel room, which I have been used to working out of as an international wellbeing project manager for 12-18 months at a time. I could go outside my room and socialise and also pop over the road to the swimming pool and gym!

Q3. How do you find it living with other people having been so independent?

I think when sharing, it’s a bit of a process. To start with it’s a bit tricky, but as you get to know people we all let out more of ourselves at different times. The highs and lows are less as it becomes the norm. 

I think what I enjoy most is seeing how other people live; what their habits are and what makes them tick.  The men in my house cook quite elaborate and time-consuming meals, whereas the females just throw something in the microwave; it makes me smile. The guys say cooking is a way to unwind and catchup with others in the kitchen.

Also, the diversity of age, culture and gender actually helps make things equal I find.

I can have a chat about anything with anyone. A couple of months ago I asked a young male professional how to solve a work problem which affected me emotionally and he was really helpful. With another we moan about the UK standard of living costs and wish we both were still in India. 

I guess the constant grate is that two of us like the house tidy, which doesn’t always happen, so we end up cleaning up anyway, plus buying basic stuff.  It’s annoying when I’m tired and had a bad day… if I’ve had a good day I’ll just get on with it.

We all pay more or less the same. Some rooms share a shower and toilet, which I personally don’t mind. In fact, it makes me want to keep the bathroom tidier than I would if on my own.

Q4. So it’s about the people mainly for you?

Yes and No.  I like my aesthetics a bit and my room is old Victorian high ceilings and big windows, but I couldn’t stay if the atmosphere didn’t work. Its also about improving who I am too, I can say

Thinking back, it was a bit overwhelming to begin with, especially when you first arrive somewhere new and you don’t know what is expected of you; who do you need to be? It’s much easier living on your own but not necessarily super-cool for wellbeing.

I think as we get older though, being with others is important. Ideally the relationships are co-creative rather than co-dependent, and importantly we kind of become better people.

Q5. What about the future? How does that look?

I don’t know really. I’m not sure what the future holds.

My drive is still singular and at the moment is all about study, training and research.  Also I’m starting my own business slowly.  My doctorate is quite a bit of my money and I am not really moving further forward with the deposit for a new home in UK. I can’t afford to live around here, so I might move further south in time. House sharing works for me at the moment.

I am also interested in co-living places. Whilst living and working in Johannesburg I used to visit a lady on the foot of the Imperani Mountain in Free State province. There were these little units, some 30 or so, with a big communal kitchen and social area where people would meet up.  I liked that.

Other exploration in the UK was with Homeshare, where for less rent one helps out with different chores – as advertised on Cohabites too. It didn’t suit my work-life but would for many people and as it provides company too.

Finally, I follow James Ehrlich (Regen Villages) who promotes off-grid, sustainable living. In these schemes, some of the people want the penthouse apartment and don’t want to tend the vegetable garden and others just want a studio and are happy to do cleaning for less rent. That seems like a good idea. A kind of co-creative way of working and off-gird. We are all equal to our own choices.

Q6. What is your doctorate about?

Talking to you (Nick) and on reflection about my time in Africa, I was always thinking of co-creative ways of living as I was alone and searching for community / family. Hence my interest in belonging.

I am looking at what that word means to people, their beliefs, relationships, environments, and also if it changes with age. I’m interested in methods to access sometimes deep rooted exploration of belonging – that can be through talking and body therapy

Q7. Any advice for people considering house sharing?

A sense of safety and security are important, especially as you get older.  Also be available to have fun, laugh at ourselves too

Personally, I like inter-generational co-living – the age is a factor, but its positive to learn from each other too. I haven’t yet lived with people my own age and older, but believe there would be a comfortableness too, so I am explore everything.

I try to process what is expected of me from myself when living in this environment. Plus, practical things which Cohabitas have on their site.

I’d advise to learn to relinquish a bit of control and lessen expectations, then somehow life is easier.  If it’s not, then at least you’ve learnt something about what you want and don’t want in life.

It’s the exploration that’s important and enjoyable I reckon. You can find out a lot in advance (Cohabitas helps that too) but you still have to go through the process once in a new house share situation. Normally it works out just fine.