Keeping it in the family

A story about intentional inter-generational house sharing.

Whilst much of the talk in the UK and USA is about the problems grown up children are having in leaving home, there are an increasing number of people who are intentionally choosing to live with their parents.

I spoke to Linda Hunter who set up home with both her parents and her own children in order for them to experience more time spent with their grandparents l, as well as to look after her parents in their later years.

As we search for the best way to live intentional intergenerational house sharing can offer not only financial freedom, but also a better way of life.

Q. So why did you decide to share with your parents?

A. I’d always felt that it was right to be near, or even better, together with your extended family. I grew up with just my direct family, including two siblings, and with no grandparents or cousins living near. My friends all had cousins and grandparents who they went to Sunday lunch with, or had visits to.

I married young, to a Scotsman, who also had no family living nearby, but who was very attached to both family and friends back home, we’d see only every year or so. Back in Scotland in his small village, his auntie would be in the nearby convenience store or the supporters club, with numerous relations living close by. So he was sympathetic to the idea.

In my later teens, my parents and younger brother moved away, and with my eldest brother already gone too, I missed the only family I had. I really wanted my children (3-year old daughter and twins boys) to grow up knowing their grandparents and feeling part of a family, and I also wanted to provide for my parents grow old in place.

Q. So how did you work things out with your parents?

A. My parents didn’t want to go to a care home and expressed a wish to die at home, so they were already predisposed. They also didn’t want to have to look after children and  their privacy and space was important.

My father was still working at that time (I’d married young) and they didn’t need ‘looking after’, it was just that we wanted to live together. That took a bit of explaining to others , as in the Western World (US and UK) the emphasis is on people leaving and establishing their own lives away; going on adventures and forging their own path. Interdependence s not ‘baked in’. In India, China and Italy it was different, although now this is also changing.

We had ground rules. Most importantly, the kids would have to knock before entering my parents’ part of the house, or be invited and they had no say in how our children were raised. We lived on different levels but saw each other almost daily.

Q. What challenges did you experience sharing and how did you work things out?

A. We had plenty of challenges, as all families do, but in our case we had four adults with very strong and outspoken personalities. But we kept the lines of communication open at all times and were clear about boundaries and honest with our feelings.

I have to say that we needed a lot of love and had to maintain our sense of humour. We times we disagreed, but once resolved, our rule was that old grievances could not be raised and that kept us all in good stead.

Q. As the children grew up, how did they feel about sharing?

A. Having had this interdependent living arrangement modelled, they now want to live similarly but with some differences. They have all travelled, lived abroad short or long term and are all entrepreneurs who want to live bigger lives with smaller debt loads. They are very connected and believe this is the best way to live, independently and interdependently, at the same time.

Q. So If someone else wanted to live in an intergenerational home, what advice do you have?

A. Lots of advice. The main points would be:

a) You must be honest, transparent and kind. You just have to work things through up front. We’ve had people we know do this without being absolutely clear about what the plan is before starting and it’s been very difficult. Assumptions are revealed to be just that, assumptions. Working it out later is so much harder.

b) Make it legal. People change, relationships change. Our immediate family has signed an agreement. As partners join our kids they draw up separate agreements between themselves.

c) Know your deal breakers. For my parents it was privacy and autonomy, and not to become babysitters. For our grown children in this latest endeavour, it’s separate dwellings, connected pathways, and hidden for privacy.

d) Create private spaces within the home. Everyone needs some alone time, somewhere they can be on their own.

e) Focus on good communication. Deal quickly with issues that arise. Once resolved don’t speak of them again; move forward.

f) Have a sense of humour – it will get you through the tough times.

Q. Do you think you’d be a good housemate if you weren’t living with your own family?

A. Absolutely. I’m very adaptable. I don’t take up much space, either physically (I don’t feel I need much stuff) or in conversations.

In fact, we have often had lodgers/non-family housemates. We keep a room for travellers who can stay 3 nights and a couple of weeks, with some that have stayed much longer. I am open minded and adaptable; if it’s not immoral, illegal or unsafe, pretty much anything goes.

When I lived with my parents and the children were younger we had ‘Open Table’ on the last Sunday of the month, where we would make a vegetarian meal for anyone who would like to join us. We had neighbours come by, a guy from the local grocery store, friends and sometimes folks we didn’t know.

Q. Why don’t more people consider intergenerational house sharing?

A. I think it’s partly because there is too much conflict in the world. Also, North Americans revere independence. We’re all encouraged to go solo, rather than embrace interdependence. People are also very big on privacy and square footage. In Canada we have the luxury of space, which means people don’t have to share as much and can breed isolationist thinking.

I also think many people spend too much money on ‘stuff’. This limits their freedom to live and work in different and creative ways. Not only do we live as an intergenerational family, we live small and use grey water in the garden. But that’s another story ….

Nick spoke to Linda about intentional intergenerational house sharing.

Linda and her family live on Vancouver Island, having moved from the Toronto suburbs of Ontario some 30 years ago. They moved to a new propoerty in 2021 after 20 years of living together in one home. She runs a website called Loving Large, Living Small, where you can find out much more about this way of life and their latest venture.

See our article about the advantages of house sharing, which would seem to apply to an intergenrational share as well.